The Great BritWres Bake Off

THE GREAT British Bake Off is back and yeah it’s a show we all love, the drama, the intensity…CAKE!

But couldn’t it be better? What would happen if you took some of the best talent in BritWres out of the ring and got them to battle in out to determine who the best baker is.

Well, if you’ve ever wondered that then wonder no more because here at Grapple Theory we’ve done the hard work for you.

Ten competitors, ten personalities, only one winner…this is the Great BritWres Bake Off!

Chuck Mambo

First to enter the tent is the first ever Riptide Wrestling Brighton Champion. The surfer star of BritWres brings plenty of fun and colour to the show - adding sprinkles to basically anything he can, even if it’s not necessary.

Mambo would have a decent run in the show, but his downfall would probably be trying something overly ambitious that didn’t quite come off, perhaps a massive surfing wave that collapses on itself.

Session Moth Martina

Watch Martina grab the cans and get the judges absolutely wasted in her efforts to make the final of the competition.

The booze would be free flowing and the puds would be swimming in everything from beer to whiskey to tequila and much more besides.

The alcohol would only get her so far though and we reckon she’d falter when a little too much of the liqueur effects the bake of her cake in week five.

Drew Parker

A mega wildcard in the competition, Parker’s bakes would look like an absolute train wreck but taste surprisingly great - giving the judges a serious dilemma of whether to keep him in.

We’re talking shards of sugar glass, plenty of fake, edible blood and some truly horror inspired creations. His creativity would be rewards with a path all the way to the semi finals.

Kid Lykos

Like the man himself, every bake that Lykos makes would be suitably masked up. Whether it’s with icing, fondant or some sort of glaze, you’d never actually be able to see the cake underneath.

This would leave the judges intrigued and often times confused by what was hiding beneath the sweet toppings. Unfortunately for the CCK member, he’d be disqualified in week four after trying to switch places with Lykos II midway through the bake so he could go look up a recipe.

Zoe Lucas

The Drama Queen of the BritWres Bake Off tent, Lucas would start well and be an early contender but a major tantrum would occur three weeks in when her bake doesn’t rise.

After criticism from the judges she’d absolutely lose it, bringing it Dream Dollz partner Mariah May in as they both trash the tent before raising the middle finger to everyone and walking out…needless to say she’d be eliminated

Mad Kurt

Confident, cocky but unfortunately unable to walk the walk after talking the talk. He’d come into the tent brash and arrogant, throwing dabs all over the place.

But midway through the final challenge of week 1 he’d realise he hadn’t actually made anything. He’d sneak out and buy a cake from the nearest supermarket.

Unfortunately for him the judges would easily see beyond this trick and Kurt’s time in the tent would be over quickly.

Jetta

The Princess Diana of Pro Wrestling would, naturally, enter the tent with elegance and poise, ready to bake her heart out in pursuit of winning the whole competition.

Her bakes would be dignified and graceful, as well as tasting top notch. They would be tiered, well decorated and wow the judges more often that not.

We’re talking absolute finalist material and a possible winner - Jetta, you’re the best.

Cara Noir

The strong, silent enigma at the back of the tent wouldn’t say a word to anyone for the entirety of the competition.

His entrances every week would be dramatic but from then on not a word would be spoken and while the judges are at first confused they would soon not care as the bakes impressed.

You’d almost forget he was there due to his silence and yet somehow he’d definitely be in the final!

Clementine and Charles Crowley

*Instagram: @clementineprowrestler/@ringsideperspective*

The only tag team in the tournament, Clementine told Crowley she was entering and he got jealous, insisting they tag team the effort.

She’d agree but it would be her undoing, as while her bakes would be full of fruity and sweet flavours the judges would soon tire of Crowley insisting that every cake, pastry of loaf was designed in a manner far too erotic for broadcast.

By midway through the rest of the competitors would have no choice but to wave goodbye to the pair, despite all being clearly aroused by their cakes.

Lord Gideon Grey

The devilish heel would go far in the tournament, but not because of his own cooking prowess. Instead, whenever the cameras had his competitors distracted with questions he’d sneak round and mess up their recipes.

The judges would have no choice but to send someone home each week who didn’t deserve it, while Grey cracks a smile in the background.

He’d make it all the way to the final, with everyone wanting him to get what was coming to him, which he would when he went to ruin Cara Noir’s bake but forgot the silent enigma was never distracted by the camera - hitting him with a huge piledriver and eliminating him from the final.

The Great BritWres Bake Off

Inside The Mind Of A Wrestling Referee w/ James Greenwood

Review: Catch Coronation