REVIEW: Riot Cabaret - Arm Drags and Glad Rags

Riot Cabaret: Handbags and Gladrags
The Clapham Grand, London
Tuesday, April 30, 2024
Reviewer: Jamie Walker (@walker_this_way)

April ends with a trip to the brilliant Clapham Grand and another trip to Riot Cabaret, who have been putting on some of the most consistently fun shows of any promotion in London and the south east.

It’s a night of firsts for the promotion, with a series of matches that have never seen before - topped off by a much-hyped match between Michael Oku and Mark Andrews for the Riot Cabaret title.

James Lawrence is, as usual, MC for the evening and has so much energy. You can see how much Riot means to him and how happy it makes him to see the Grand packed out for the shows him and Sean are putting on.

With the pleasantries done let’s get on with the show;

Nico Angelo vs Vaughn Vertigo

Nico has been on an absolute tear recently, both at Riot Cabaret and across the country. His vicious streak would continue as he took on a returning Vaughn Vertigo, who himself seemed to come out with extra determination; perhaps it was because they were the first match, perhaps because he wanted to prove himself to a crowd that hand’t seen him n a while.

Either way it made for a brilliant match-up! Nico came out as ruthless as ever, tearing into vaughn with vicious strikes and kicks, but Vaughn’s determination would not allow him to stay down for long.

He really took the match to Nico, matching him blow for blow with stiff kicks and some incredible moves off the top rope. These two told a good story and it was a great way to open the show, fast paced and entertaining!

Nico would win but whether it was Vaughn’s aim to prove a point to this crowd or not, he certainly left an impression yet again and got a brilliant reception on his way to the back.

Artemis vs Alexxis Falcon

Another match-up with two wrestlers with points to prove for different reasons; Artemis is a relatively new name to the Riot roster and as such is still working on getting a rapport with the fans. Meanwhile Alexxis is returning to Riot after a little time away from the promotion and wanted to make sure people remembered how good she is.

Alexxis’ look is phenomenal, she looks like a proper Disney villain, with Artemis coming out in almost gladiator-like gear which made for a brilliant contrast. And the match went very much the same way.

Artemis used her speed and power to try and take down Alexxis but the villain was loving every second of beating her opponent up and really seemed to be enjoying the boos and jeers of the crowd.

As someone who has seen Alexxis in a lot of tag action as of late, in the Cheeky Little Buggers and M62 Wrecking Crew with Charles Crowley and Lizzy Evo respectively, it’s really nice to get a reminder of just how good she is in singles action.

She would get the win with the Off With Her Head and sauntered to the back with a wicked grin on her face. Artemis put in a really good showing as well and there’s a big future for her in Riot Cabaret.

The Session Twats (Charles Crowley & Session Moth Martina) vs Bullit and Mulligan - Riot Cabaret Tag Team Titles, Charles Crowley’s Big Ball Bonanza

Up next was one of many firsts for Riot, in their first ever Big Ball Bonanza match. Crowley and Martina came to the ring to reveal the bingo ball-esque wheel (queue multiple ball jokes) which contain numbers corresponding to every member of the Riot locker room.

Martina is concerned, she knows leaving the choice of their opponents for this title defence to chance is a bad idea, but Crowley fails to see the danger. That is until the balls are drawn and their opponents are revealed…Bullit and Mulligan.

Now Crowley looks scared and for good reason. Their two opponents cut a hugely imposing figure standing over himself and Martina. Moth even dashes out the ring, leaving Crowley to defend himself on his own for a while.

Despite their obvious skill, it doesn’t look good for the Session Twats and they look set to lose their titles to this imperious force of pure BEEF. That is until the obvious lack of tag experience with each other proves to be the undoing of Mulligan and Bullit.

Little miscues and moments of reversal from the Twats led to Bullit and Mulligan inadvertently hitting each other - and Bullit especially did not take that well.

As the pair continue to fail to work together Bullit has had enough, after one slip up too many he leaves Mulligan alone in the ring and despite his huge stature the Twats take advantage and hit the pin for the win and to defend their titles.

After the match the Twats leave but Bullit and Mulligan have it out, Mulligan chokeslams Bullit into the mat and leaves him there. As Bullit gets up he flips off the crowd and takes his leave. It will be interesting if these two slog it out at some point in the future.

Meanwhile, Crowley and Martina get away with another title defence…but they’re living on the edge!

Sunshine Mills-chine (TK Cooper, Chuck Mambo & Connor Mills) vs Ted Sabin & The Bryants (Nino Bryant & Zander Bryant) - Tables, Ladders & Chairs

The feud between Sunshine Mills-chine and The Bryants has been rumbling on for MONTHS! First Mills stole a win for Mills-chine by using the ropes to get the pin on Nino Bryant, then Nino did exactly the same at the next show.

In amongst all of this, TK and Mambo have been none too happy about Mills using his devious heel tactics to try (and in some cases succeed) to pick up wins. Now, Safire Reed had also been a part of this feud but due to injury she was unable to team with The Bryants and was replaced by the brilliant Ted Sabin.

This content was the one I was most looking forward to on the show and OH BOY did it deliver! The match started off fairly standard, with all six men beating the hell out of each other. It shows that even without the TLC stipulation this would’ve been a hell of a battle.

But with the stipulation in place it wasn’t long before the weapons came out. Mills took out a chair first to batter the Bryants but it’s when the ladders came into play that things really got interesting.

Two were set up in the corner with all six men taking various bumps onto them, but the most shocking thing is that these moves were so devastating that the ladders almost always broke in half (ouch!). Luckily they seem to have been designed in such a way that they sprang back into place after breaking.

Some epic spots happened in this contest! Mills rode a ladder like a surf board, being held up by TK and Mambo, before diving onto a prone Zander Bryant who was laid out on a chair.

TK did his signature second rope twisting splash onto Zander through a table (Zander was by far the MVP of this contest he took an insane beating throughout), The Bryants and Sabin then pulled out the S.H.I.E.L.D powerbomb through a table on Mills and there was even a spot where Nino jumped off the top of the tallest ladder, sending TK right through a second one that was balanced on the middle rope.

The end came as Mills was beating the hell out of Zander with a chair, so much so that Mambo even steps in to stop him. That causes a little tension betweek Mills-chine, but showed how ruthless Mills was willing to be.

This would play into the finish as, despite a valiant fight by The Bryants and Sabin, they were beaten as Mills once again was willing to go the extra mile to get the victory, as TK and Mambo got back to their feet just in time to celebrate.

There are really no words to describe how great this match was, I suggest if and when it’s put online you go ahead and watch it all in its entirety.

Nina Samuels (c) w/Cassius vs Alex Windsor - Riot Cabaret Women’s Championship

Nina Samuels is absolutely DOMINATING British wrestling at the moment! She has, at the time of writing, ten belts…TEN! And she came out with every single one of them during her entrance at Riot Cabaret, it trust was a sight to behold.

The woman tasked with trying to take one of those belts off of her was Alex Windsor, undoubtedly one of the best unsigned wrestlers in the world right now. Unfortunately for Alex she’d be up against not only Nina but also her sidekick Cassius, who has been helping her keep hold of the Riot belt these last few months.

This match was really hard hitting and the perfect showcase of why these two women really are two of the best at what they do. Alex was about pure power, letting her fists do the talking, whilst Nina was happy to take the sneaky route around and try to gain any advantage possible.

At the midway point of the match Cassius hopped on the apron and exposed the top turnbuckle…until he was pulled down by Amira, coming to the rescue of her friend. She chased Cassius to the back as Nina and Windsor continued to brawl.

Unfortunately, the damage was already done as Nina used the exposed turnbuckle to her advantage, smashing Alex’s head into it and rolling her up for the pin to retain the Riot Cabaret Women’s Championship.

After the match she gets on the mic and tells the crowd that ten titles isn’t enough, she wants more and specifically more in Riot Cabaret…could we see her and Cassius challenging Moth and Crowley for the tag titles?

Tate Mayfairs and James Ellis vs Murdoch and Joe Blazr

Up next were the unlikable duo of Mayfairs and Ellis, who were booed relentlessly as they made their way to the ring. They were taking on the far more fun and enjoyable to watch Murdoch and Joe Blazr, who came to the ring after a brilliant Shaun of the Dead themed introduction video.

This was a pretty standard match all things considered. Mayfairs and Ellis were underhanded and sneaky in their pursuit of victory, while Murdoch and Blazr were happy to have fun beating up their opponents.

The heel duo would take the victory to even more boos, but they weren’t done just yet. Tate gets on the mic and says that after his brilliant run of victories he deserves a shot at the Riot Cabaret title. Ellis, with his contract from winning the 2000s rumble fresh in hand, says he wants to make it a triple threat. Things could soon be very interesting for Michael Oku.

Michael Oku (c) vs Mark Andrews - Riot Cabaret Championship

But before Oku worries about a potential triple threat he’s got to get through Mark Andrews. This feud hasn’t been brewing long but it’s heated up fast. Oku called out Mandrews at the last Riot show, claiming he was ‘the guy’ ten years ago but that now he was the one leading British wrestling into the new era.

Andrews responded with a hard hitting promo himself, ready to make sure the world knows that he’s still the top guy on the scene and was going to take Oku’s Riot Cabaret title in order to prove it.

The pair started off by exchanging strikes and hold, weighing each other up to see who could get the upper hand. It was clear from the off that this was going to be an incredibly evenly matched contest.

Throughout both men hand the upper hand at various points. Mandrews was able to utilise speed and high flying and while Oku is very good at the high flying himself he really excelled with the mat work, all with the end goal of trying to get Mark in his signature Half Crab.

As you’d expect from these two this match was brilliant, the pacing was perfect and it ebbed and flowed brilliantly and nothing ever seemed to linger too long. Andrews managed to avoid the Half Crab for most of the match, and even when Oku locked it in near the end Andrews refused to tap.

Surprisingly it wasn’t a tap out or finisher that ended the contest, as Oku rolled up Andrews with a crucifix pin to retain his Riot Cabaret title.

He cut a promo after apologising to Mark, saying his was work and that Mandrews was still ‘the guy’. But then…Mark LOST IT! He attacked Oku while his back was turned and then beat up refs Oscar and Tom as well as Riot Cabaret owner James Lawrence before storming out the ring.

The loss has awoken something in Mark Andrews and it’s going to be very interesting to see what’s next for the Subculture star.

Final thoughts

As usual with Riot Cabaret this was a really fun show. The promotion is going from strength to strength and putting on some incredible matches, whilst making sure there’s plenty to enjoy for more casual wrestling fans.

The TLC match was the MOTN for sure, all six guys absolutely smashed it, I don’t know how they managed to all walk out the ring of their own accord, it was brutal. The main event was great and I also really enjoyed the opening two matches. Nina Samuels is excelling with all her belts and the Session Twats are playing a very risky game in terms of their title reign.

REVIEW: Riot Cabaret - Arm Drags and Glad Rags

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