REVIEW: Riot Cabaret - Vultures Against The Machine

Riot Cabaret: Vultures Against The Machine
The Clapham Grand, London
Tuesday, January 31, 2023
Reviewer: Jamie Walker (@walker_this_way)

The Clapham Grand was packed out as James Lawrence opened the show to an unbelievable noise, it’s been a long time since I’ve heard a crowd so raucous before any matches have taken place.

James is a great host and really brings a lot of fun - one thing I’d like to see moving forward is perhaps him just having a bit more fun with the crowd on the mic between matches, just 30s or so to split things up.

Spike Trivet and the rest of the Greedy Vultures interrupt him and Spike goes on a long rant about how he’s going to end the night as the Riot champion. He also says the Greedy Souls will successfully defend their tag titles against FSU, which leads us nicely into our first match…

Greedy Souls (Brendan White and Danny Jones) (c) vs FSU (Eddie Dennis and Mark Andrews) - Riot Cabaret Tag Team Title Match

You don’t need me telling you who the favourites were in this match, the crowd were firmly behind FSU, hurling insults like ‘Greedy Assholes’ at White and Jones.

This was a back and forth contest; FSU started on top until a distraction from Jones on the ropes helped the Souls get on top. Mandrews was the one to take most of the beating in the clash as the Souls dismantled him systematically for a large portion of the bout.

Mandrews managed to break out of the barrage of pressure and tag in Eddie, which got a huge pop from the crowd, and he went to work laying a beatdown on White and Jones.

For a second looked like we’d have a title change but then the Souls used their heel tactics to take control of the contest and eventually get the victory.

This was a great opening contest, it really livened up the crowd and would be a tough act to follow for the next competitors.

Tate Mayfairs vs Simon Miller vs Tommy Kyle

‘Anyone but Mayfairs’ was the general tone of this match from the off. Kyle and Miller have a great time taking him down, but things went wrong early on…

Miller throws Mayfairs out the ring and Tommy goes for a dive to the outside. From the angle I was standing the dive looked good but the ringside crew threw up the ‘X’ immediately and it was clear Kyle was seriously hurt.

Tommy is down for a long time, while Mayfairs and Miller continue the match in the ring. Tommy is eventually helped to the back to applause and chants from the crowd. It’s gutting to see him get hurt, he tweeter later on that he has a broken tibia, we wish him a speedy recovery and send him all out best.

Mayfairs and Miller finished the match well considering the circumstances, I assume that certain spots and maybe the ending, who knows if the finish was intended, was changed on the fly.

Tate won with a roll up, with a substantial handful of tights, then runs away from the ring, leaving Miller frustrated and baffled.

Harley Hudson vs Skye Smitson

This was a really solid contest from two of the best in the country right now. Harley is a rising star with the world at her feet, Smitson is more of an experienced hand who has consistently been a great performer.

The surprising thing for me was seeing how evenly contested this match was, not in the ring but out of it. The crowd was very split, duelling chants for Hudson and Smitson and they really delivered in their performance.

Hudson made Skye tap out and picked up a huge victory, but to be honest I didn’t make many notes on the actual match because I was just enjoying watching it too much - and that’s the biggest compliment I can give.

I don’t see as much of Skye as a solo competitor, she’s often got her Uprising or Lana Austin Experience stablemates by her side, so this was a refreshing sight to see her go one-on-one with Harley.

If Harley is gonna be the next big thing it’s Skye who is perhaps one of the most underrated and undervalued wrestlers on the British scene right now.

Danny Black vs Charles Crowley vs Alexxis Falcon vs Session Moth Martina vs Man Like Dereiss vs Skye O’Shure vs Simon Miller vs Mr Blobby - 90s Rumble

We all love a Rumble and knowing Riot’s track record for producing brilliantly funny gimmick matches it was a sure thing this was going to be a hit.

Like with a lot of rumbles, the in-ring moves and holds largely go under the radar and so this match review will be more about the hilarity that ensued from the first moment.

Danny Black entered first to ‘Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)’ of course dressed as one of the Backstreet Boys, and with the dance moves to back it up.

Next up were Charles Crowley and Alexxis Falcon, brilliantly dressed as Pokemon’s evil duo Team Rocket. They didn’t do Rocket’s signature entrance, although they mentioned at the merch stand that they did plan to but their mics didn’t work. Instead we got them dancing and flirting throughout, which is just as entertaining.

They brawl with Danny back and forth until Session Moth turns up as the little known sixth Spice Girl - Sesh Spice. She’s got the Union Jack dress and red wig in tribute to Geri Halliwell.

She’s followed by Man Like Dereiss who comes out singing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme as the crowd dub him the ‘Fresh Prince of Birmingham’.

Skye O’Shure is up next dressed as Mario and all ready for his Riot Cabaret debut. But before he can get to the ring he’s attacked by Murdoch, who beats him up and takes his place in the rumble.

He seems to be having fun until GLASS SMASH…Stone Cold Simon Miller enters the rumble and raises hell, hitting stunners all over the place and eliminating Murdoch. But nobody was prepared for our final entrant…

A familiar, nostalgic music hits and MR BLOBBY enters the rumble, well enters implies that it was all smooth sailing, it wasn’t however. Blobby struggled actually getting in the ring but once he did he battered the competition.

Clotheslines everywhere, and all of them were completely perfectly hit and didn’t require help from his fellow wrestlers at all. It was truly brilliant and the crowd ate it up.

Alexxis and Crowley tried to eliminate Blobby, watching Crowley lift his costumed competitor was quite the sight. But Blobby fought back and saved himself, but then Murdoch shouted at him on the outside and Blobby eliminated himself by jumping off the turnbuckle onto Murdoch and the ring crew.

Despite not eliminating Blobby, it was Alexxis Falcon who was the star of this rumble, not just for her epic Team Rocket gear but for the fact she eliminated Stone Cold Miller, Danny Black, and Dereiss in quick succession.

She also thought she’d eliminated Moth, but forgot to take into account that she’d only put her through the middle rope. As she and Crowley celebrate, Sesh Spice takes out Falcon.

As Crowley looks for revenge by eliminating Moth something comes over him, a memory from the last show where Moth and he sang Disney before Moth rolled him up for a win, this memory seemed to hit Crowley hard, perhaps heartbroken from the event, he couldn’t eliminate Moth.

She takes advantage and eliminates Crowley to win the bout.

This was a truly spectacular sight and so much fun, the crowd loved it and it sent us to the break perfectly.

Michael Oku vs Robbie X

This match was originally meant to see Robbie X take on Flash Morgan Webster, but Flash had to miss the show due to illness - get well soon Flash!

In his place came Michael Oku, fresh off the back of an incredible trip to America and taking part in BOLA 2023. Did you expect this match to not be good? If so you’re kidding yourself, this was an absolute barn burner, both men on top at various points, numerous near falls and tonnes of excitement.

There was high flying action and stiff kicks and strikes - an unreal display of showmanship from both men, it’s no wonder why they are considered two of the best cruiserweights in the country.

Robbie looks to have the match won with a frog splash, then a swanton, then going for the finish he gets caught by Oku into half crab and taps

This was a true match of the year contender and so much fun to watch, the amount of drama in the contest was great and the crowd loved it.

Mulligan vs Matthew Brooks

I didn’t know too much about either man before this match, but I can confirm that Matthew brooks has some serious pipes.

It was a decent enough match from both but it definitely had a tough act to follow coming after the Oku vs Robbie clash. The crowd weren’t as rowdy and the action, while executed well, wasn’t as entertaining as some of the other matches we’d had.

Brooks have a good showing of himself and Mulligan looked like a real big man, with more experience it will be cool to see how these two develop.

Livvii Grace vs Nina Samuels

This was a decent enough contest, some good sequences throughout as Nina had to find a way to overcome Livvii’s power advantage. The content of the match was strong but it never seemed likely that Nina would drop the belt, purely from a storyline perspective.

Livvii gives a good showing for herself with some really impressive offence, but the quality of Nina proves too much in the end. Like with Skye, it’s good to Livvii out on her own and would love to see her booked more as a singles competitor.

Like with Skye’s match as well, this contest was very evenly split in the crowd, probably to do with the more casual fanbase that Riot attracts. It’s refreshing, if not a little weird, to hear those sort of chants for heels, speaking as someone who goes to more shows that have the ‘regular’ fanbase.

Sunshine Machine (Chuck Mambo and TK Cooper) vs Spike Trivet and Cara Noir

After Mambo and TK make their entrance, Spike comes out and reveals that his lackey Murdoch won’t be his partner. He says he’s got someone who owes him a favour and out comes CARA NOIR.

Spike says that Cara has been instructed to attack ‘everyone except him’ - let’s see how that plays out later on.

Now, we’ve seen Cara embrace his more heel side in the past, but to see him align himself with Spike is just weird, it took some getting used to.

And he’s the one that comes out the blocks flying, taking down both TK and Mambo, helping Spike knock Mambo off the top rope and beating the living hell out of the Riot Cabaret champ.

And it’s the heel pairing that have the upper hand for most of this contest. They beat Mambo from pillar to post as Spike continues his quest for the belt.

But then there’s tension, Spike tags himself in, Cara doesn’t like that at all. The ref goes down and the Greedy Souls come to help out their Tory pal…Cara doesn’t like that either. He knocks out Brendan and Danny but then seemingly in his rage forgets his ‘anyone but Spike’ agreement as he headbutts Trivet.

Somehow they manage to regain their composure and a barrage of near falls follow. It’s tense and it’s truly epic.

But then the moment that changed everything; Murdoch throws TK the title belt, telling Mambo his Samoan pal can’t be trusted. But Mambo isn’t having any of it and tells TK to throw the belt at Cara, who has his back turned.

TK does so and when Cara turns around, absolutely livid, they tell him it was Murdoch.

Cara kicks Murdoch into the venue railing, truly wild and perhaps shoot hurt Murdoch as the pair then ‘brawled’ to the locker room, with the medics following.

That left Spike on the wrong side of a handicap match and sure enough TK and Mambo had no problem putting him away after that!

Spike had balloons in a net installed overhead for his ‘victory party’ and TK insists they get used. So as the music plays to see out the show the balloons are released and TK and Mambo party in the ring as the crowd sing along.

It’s a fitting end to the show, although I’m left wondering where the title picture and Spike’s quest for it goes from here.

Overall, this was a really fun evening. Some great matches, so big laughs and a real flavour of what Riot Cabaret is all out - something different. These guys have a big future ahead of them and if they can keep up this quality of show their crowds will only continue to grow.

REVIEW: Riot Cabaret - Vultures Against The Machine

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