REVIEW: NORTH Wrestling, 2.5 - Let The Cannons Fly
NORTH Wrestling: 2.5, Let the Cannons Fly
Anarchy Brew, Newcastle
Saturday, March 26, 2022
Reviewer: Craig Whiteman (@poptheboyspod)
Championship Scramble Qualifying Over The Top Rope Battle Royale
Rumble, young man, rumble….
Not me, god knows I’m too old and fat to have this about myself. But Jack Bandicoot. One half of Crashboat winning the over the top rope battle royale in the opening match of the night at NORTH’s Premiere event - Let The Cannons Fly!
A yearly event main evented by a Championship scramble match, with subtle changes each year. In a match that contained Jacks tag-team partner, Jake Silver, along with other tag teams such as Gunnar Rigg & Stoker, and Conor Renshaw & Big Lou Nixon - joining Jonah Phoenix, Leon Slater, Big Guns Joe, and Referee Jumping John Myers!
Jumping John providing highlights by doing what every one of us would do when placed in such a perilous predicament. He clung to the bottom rope for dear life. That is until Guns and Phoenix attempted to drag Myers to his feet, the latter meeting a stunner for his troubles before Big Guns threw him out of the match.
So excellent displays of athleticism were on show from Jack Bandicoot and Leon Slater, and Big Guns Joe performing excellently as the young heel with a point to prove, asking the NORTH faithful “Where the fuck were you 2 years ago?” in a thinly veiled dig at the fans not doing more to get him booked way back in another life.
These young men were the final three on the precarious top rope ending in Leon eliminating Joe, only to fall victim to a top rope cutter by Bandicoot! Jack advancing to the Scramble match as the final entrant
Now, in case you weren’t aware, we collectively do a podcast focused largely around NORTH. In this we do review and preview shows - we talk about the matches on the card in both of these. Now, you might be wondering why is this pertinent? Well that’s because NORTH didn’t announce a SINGLE BLOODY MATCH on the show! So cheers for that Bowers!
Liam Slater vs Robbie X
The second match of the night was Liam Slater versus Robbie X in a certified banger! Liam has been suffering from a crisis of confidence since Rory Coyle nearly left his skull on the canvas in August, and is still struggling with his identity 8 months later, coming out to different entrance music on an almost showly basis..
But there’s one thing Liam does better than almost anyone in the country, and thats technical wrestling. In a back and forth match with Robbie, Liam tried to keep the country’s best cruiserweight grounded with chain wrestling and trying to counter Robbies lethal leaps.
In a match that NEEDs to be re-watched on NORTH’s Patreon, Liam picks up the win with a modified Single leg crab.
The Grafters (Henry Faust and Marc Mathers) vs Adam Maxted and Shreddy Brek
In a tag-team tournament match, the team of Grafters, Henry Faust & Marc Mathers, faced off against a new pairing that I’ve dubbed “210” - Adam Maxted & Shreddy Brek. two men, one bottle of baby oil, zero brain cells.
In a mismatch of experience the team of Faust and Mathers more than held their own, to most of the NORTH Faithful’s surprise. Faust laying in some stiff strikes and screaming to Mathers “Let’s kill this cunt!” and Mathers impressing with the hot tag, before falling foul to Shreddy’s TKO/Shredcleiner (It’s a recliner, and the Jacked Stacked Daddy loves puns, so I’ll oblige him on that one).
Maxted also impressing on his debut by being, what I can only describe to you dear readers, as a “proper bell end”. A match that potentially was snakebitten by a series of dropouts due to Covid and travel issues was saved by the charisma of “Team Flex” who displayed fantastic chemistry as a tag team.
Commander Sterling vs Zeo Knox
Following that, the pre-interval match saw Commander Sterling, the Pan-Galactic Princess of Pansexual Pandemonium, the purveyor of Non-Binery Finery, and the Chokeslammer of Tories, went against Boris Johnson’s favourite wrestler - Zeo Knox. A damn fine cutter or promo’s and a horrible Tory bastard.
Following their fracas at ‘Losing My Edge’ the powers that be arranged a singles match to be contested at the Anarchy Brewery. Refereed by none other than an injured HT Drake, this match served as an exceptionally entertaining encounter.
With Sterling taking the upper hand with some solid chain wrestling and a debuting spinning heel kick, Zeo struggled to get a foothold on the match. This was due to the refereeing of Drake. Whilst a 20 year veteran makes him an exceptional wrestler, a good ref, he is not.
Somehow struggling to count to 10 at a steady pace ensuring Zeo struggled to beat the count and the beloved Commander having much more than 10 seconds to catch their breath, to go alongside misplacing his limbs on Sterlings back to ensure the dastardly Knox couldn’t lift them up for a suplex,
Drakes poor eyesight resulted in an initial advantage to Sterling being turned into the decisive blow by Knox. Literally by the way, as Sterling charged Knox with his own croquet mallet only to be bonked on their head by Knox and his tiny, secondary mallet. (Auctioneer sized maybe? Not sure, I’m not a connoisseur of mallets.)
After the match, Drake begrudgingly raised Knox’s hand before setting Zeo up for a chokeslam, before reminding Knox that “When I’m healthy, I’m going to really hurt you”
Clint Margera and Session Moth Martina vs Lana Austin and Rob Drake w/Isaiah Quinn
Following the interval we had Clint Margera and Session Moth Martina - Session Goth themselves were in the building. Having their entrance interrupted by Isaiah Quinn, Lana Austin, and Rob Drake, we had ourselves the final match in the Tag Team Tournament.
Never before in the Anarchy Brewing Company, has a homewrecker been cheered so heavily. Martina’s antics of openly flirting with Austins tag, and real life partner, Drake, brought huge laughs to the building. Ducking Lana’s attacks while trying to get Rob’s number, and Bronco-bustering Lana while shouting “This could be you” at Drake, the highlight of Martina’s night was undoubtedly the lowlight of Lana’s.
Drake eventually being tagged in saw the introduction of the leading light of British Deathmatch Wrestling, Clint Margera. The leading light, being forgotten (and even flat out incorrectly named Cliff & Clive) by the Guiding Light, Quinn, who was circling ringside.
Some stiff hits were thrown by Austin and Martina, before Quinn attempted to get a chair involved in the match, only to have it stolen by Margera - who in turn had it big booted into his own face by Drake, picking up the win for the Guiding Lights. Not the return Margera or Moth wanted.
Rory Coyle vs Will Kroos vs Gia Adams vs Taonga vs Shreddy vs Adam Maxted vs Sugar Dunkerton vs Jack Bandicoot - Eight-man Championship Scramble Match
Coyle comes out first in his John Carpenter inspired haunting fairground music. Skulking and sneaking up on the unsuspecting crowd as the best horror movie villains are want to do. Treating the crowd and the title with disrespect as his villainous reign suffers its 216th day around Coyles' waist.
Kroos coming out as the latest in a long line of threats to the Sickbois reign, Kroos is a man who can do it all - fly, grapple, strike. He’s the headline for a reason. Joining them rapidly is Shreddy and Adam Maxted, who serve as unofficial enforcers for Coyle, Gia Adams and Taonga who pick up where they left off from their match in October, Sugar Dunkerton, who, on a whirlwind stop through Britain reminds the crowd that Sugee loves you, and the crowd love him in return, and finally Jack Bandicoot coming in at the end and exuding energy enough to make the champ take notice and personally give him a person welcome to the main event…..by trying to bite a chunk out of his nose.
Coyle was at his dastardly best during this match, surviving by the skin of his teeth and letting his enforcers take the brunt when the match reached its conclusion, because by that point the devil of NORTH was (7th) circling the drain of his own personal Hell. In the final two, Coyle faced Kroos again, and while Kroos appeared to have the upper hand, just before referee John Myers’ hand came down for the three count, Shreddy pulled the referee out, robbing us of a new NORTH champion. Coyle, somehow, retains.
Whilst the match was over, the beatings certainly were not. Driving and digging a barbed wire bat into Kroos’ skull, the onslaught only ended when Liam Slater came running to make the save. Eventually challenging Coyle to the one thing he had not yet gotten. one-on-one for the NORTH title. Coyle goading, BEGGING Slater to use the weaponry which he has not found the will to use on Coyle, Slater replies that when he does use weapons, it won't be because Coyle has told him to, and with that, the main event for North 3.1 is set.
The bad blood between two of the NORTH originals is ready to come to its tipping point at the aptly named, “We Mean All The Disrespect” and we cannot wait. Kick his fucking head in, Liam.
You can find us over on www.popthecrowd.co.uk bringing our own spin on British Wrestling, what we lack in talent, skill, accuracy, and charisma, we make up for in….. Well, we'll find out together.