REVIEW: NORTH 3.1 - We Truly Mean All The Disrespect

NORTH 3.1: We Truly Mean All The Disrespect
Anarchy Brew Co, Newcastle
Saturday, May 14
Reviewer: Craig Whiteman (@popthecrowduk)

So a full disclosure, in light of Mental Health Awareness Week, I nearly backed out of going to NORTH yesterday. Life has, in short, been kicking my arse for the last few weeks and there was nothing I wanted more than to just go home, play Overwatch, and go to sleep before the streetlights came on……Except, seeing Liam Slater finally become the Champion everyone knew he could be.

And I’m glad I didn’t drop out, because I missed the most note-perfect show that NORTH & Andrew Bowers has ever produced.

To the extent where I find it almost daunting to write, because I lack the required vocabulary and evocation to describe how good it was. Every match a contender for Match of the Night, every spot outdoing the previous one, and every story either tied with a bow, or the raising the stakes for the next show, where the NORTH Faithful will ‘Party Til They Puke’ - in short, NORTH 3.1 was an “I was there” moment for all of those in attendance.

We opened with Andrew Bowers coming out on his own, to declare that we had a new ring announcer for tonight's proceedings, with Rise & Tidal stalwart Wing Commander Nash making his arrival onto NORTH’ern airspace. Entering the ring with an over-the-top rope flop onto the mat, Nash set the tone for the night - You might be a bit confused, but you’ll enjoy every minute of it. Also during this opening we had the returning Amir Jordan announcing that in July, he will be hosting an open challenge following his return from injury.

Zeo Knox vs Max the Impaler w/Commander Sterling

Opening up we have the fantastic, the charismatic, the Pan-Galactic Princess of Pansexual Pandemonium, the ENVY to ENVY, Commander Sterling.

Sterling, fresh off a loss for their NORTH debut to Zeo Knox, cut a scathing indictment on their opponent for the last show, making the deal with Knox that if Sterlings hand-picked opponent loses the escapee from the CIS-Dimension would leave NORTH for good.

A deal which Knox happily obliged, eager to be rid of their recent rival. So, with vengeance in their mind, Sterling selected a perfect replacement, instead of purveyor of non-binary finery, they introduce the Non-Binary Nightmare, Max the Impaler, Making their NORTH debut.

Max opens up with a heavy shoulder block following a stiff clothesline from Knox, and immediately escaped to the outside of the ring. Cue chants belittling the fear that, lets be honest, in the face of Max the Impaler, is completely understandable.

Zeo attempts to go for a chop only to have his hand eaten by Max. Zeo getting a modicum of momentum with a spinning heel kick, emulating a similar move he received by Sterling a few weeks prior. Knox attempting to hit a clothesline which Max ducked, and hit a huge spear to pick up the win in their debut.

Lykos Gym (Kid Lykos and Kid Lykos II) and Gene Munny vs Crashboat (Jake Silver and Jack Bandicoot) and HT Drake

Lykos Gym have been corrupting Gene Munny for the past few shows, inflicting a defeat on the leader of the Good Boi Gang to continue his losing streak and then helping him embrace his Bad Boi side after Munny filed the appropriate paperwork with Bowers to officially become a bad guy.

The ‘Bad Boi Gym Gang’ came out in matching cheetah-print shirts, and Gene was still playing to the crowd like the Good Boi he no longer is. He’s still clearly struggling with being a bad guy as he booked the third man for their opponents, Crashboat.

You’d think if you were booking the opponents partner you’d pick the Brooklyn Brawler, Kurt Hawkins, or someone with strong losing streaks (Like Munny’s) but no. Gene booked the Gatekeeper of the North. HT Drake.

Munny’s reasoning being “I thought he’d be good in the match!” During the opening poses to pop the crowd (shameless plug) the BBGG attacked Crashboat & Drake. Well, Lykos & Lykos II did, Gene missed his cue and was waving to the crowd.

Some highlights from the match included; HT Drake showing his charisma as a good guy, with the best compliment of all being that he was keeping up with Gene Munny in terms of hilariousness; exclaiming “they’re pretty good at this tag team malarkey” as Crashboat hit tandem dropkicks’ telling the referee “That’s offensive, AND it’s a weapon” as Jake was choked by one Lykos gym using Gene’s shite shirts and Gene Munny letting a very loud “Jesus Christ” out as he was flung into the turnbuckle, before attempting a reversal and shouting “I hope HE doesn’t reverse this….Oh shit he did!” As he exchanged Irish Whips with HT Drake.

I’ve never seen HT Drake smile before, it felt like a solar eclipse, that it would be dangerous to look directly at it. But I risked it for a fleeting second, he’s a handsome chap when he’s happy.

All the right notes were hit in this match, it was hilarious, it was action packed, Crashboat showed why they have been taken to NORTH’s hearts so easily, but in the end it was the Bad Boi Gym Gang with the win, after a referee distraction allowed Gene Munny to hit a low blow on HT Drake, and another one, and another one, and another one, eventually, and I’m not kidding, using his balls as a speedbag. Before picking up the win. Gene finally ends his losing streak, but at what cost…

Gia Adams vs Rhio vs Eve Bateman

Adams is on a huge hot streak at NORTH at the moment, in contrast to Rhio picking up her first win against Charlie Morgan in February, and Eve Bateman is an unknown quantity, with the North Faithful only having seen her in action at a pre-show event earlier in the year.

So it’s an important match for all three with the respective momentums. Bateman’s debut introduces us to the Snatch-esque Bricktop crime lord that she embodies, taking cheap shots and interrupting the momentum that Adams and Rhio attempt to build.

Batemen eventually sends Adams into Rhio to end their patchwork alliance, Gia building a hell of a head of steam by hitting her signature spinning side slam, followed by a double splash on the prone Rhio and Eve. Adams setting up and hitting the GDT (Fishermans DDT) only to have the pinfall broken up by Rhio, who walks away with the win at the end.

Shreddy v Warhorse

Shreddy, for those who don’t know, is one of the most detestable wrestlers in the country, the only drawback is that far too many people forget that wrestling exists north of the M62. The fact this man isn’t being used in more promotions is a travesty. He is, without a doubt, an utter cunt.

He faces off against the man who RULES ASS, WARHORSE. The last date on his headbanging UK tour, he faces off against the Jacked, Stacked, Daddy. Shreddy attempting to take the neck of the headbanging warrior out of the occasion with some excellent work on WARHORSE including Gator rolls, a hurricanrana from the top rope and draping WARHORSE’s neck over the ropes and applying his entire body weight.

This match slowly burned into a rough housing banger, with Warhorse hitting a tope that finished with a flourishing flip, taking out the first two rows of the benches and Shreddy returning in kind by Belly-to-Belly Suplexing WARHORSE onto the entrance ramp.

WARHORSE applying the Sharpshooter not once but twice to a rapidly loudening NORTH crowd, with Shreddy holding on during both attempts. A crossbody from WARHORSE being caught in mid air, and reversed the routine we’ve seen far too many times at NORTH, the TKO into the recliner. Shreddy wins. The prick.

Lizzy Evo vs Visage

After the interval, Visage’s Lip Sync Battle had its classic interruption, with Lizzy Evo coming out singing, yes you heard right SINGING, during a lipsync battle. The Liver Bird’s rendition of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” being almost as painful as the Shining Wizard she hit Visage with to end their impromptu match.

But before that cognitive reset happened, their match was a show stealer. Visage, on their retirement tour as they wind down their dates in 2022, came out dressed as one of their idols, Lita, and with a more aerial based offense this time around as they paid homage to the former Queen of Extreme.

Visage aimed to hit the swinging leg DDT, and the Twist of Fate to the Scouse Goddess, managing to land the latter to only receive a two count. Visage setting up Evo with the signature moonsault, only to have Evo cut off the legs from underneath them, landing the Shining Wizard for the win.

Joe Hendry vs Will Kroos

Joe Hendry’s entrances are something to behold, and tonight was no exception - making the entrance of “Holla if ya Hendry” in an homage to Scott Steiner, in an attempt to endear himself to Shreddy, the Jacked Stacked Daddy coming out and expressing his disdain for The Local Hero’s attempts at allyship.

Making a retreat only to come out as Joe-BL, complete with white limo that was approximately an 1/8th the side of him. His opponent, Will Kroos, is arguably the best Super Heavyweight in the country, and this fight lived up to expectations, with power moves a-plenty! Some of the stiffest lariats the Anarchy Brewery Company has seen, flooring Hendry after receiving and dishing out their fair share.

Some excellent agility moves were out in force too, with a top rope code breaker onto Kroos, a spinning blue thunder bomb, and a hurricarana which we know Kroos can bust out when he needs to. He moves like a Krooserweight.

After a huge running chokeslam by Hendry, the match broke down with Shreddy coming back in to hit Hendry with the aforementioned limousine, causing a no contest - the friction between Hendry and Shreddy looks set to continue!

Lana Austin/Rob Drake (The Guiding Light) w/Isiah Quinn vs Lou Nixon/ Connor Renshaw vs Man Like Dereiss/Leon Slater (Boisterous Behavior)

An impromptu tag team in only their second match, Leon Slater & Man Like Dereiss have lit up NORTH since they tore the roof down in their debut, figuratively and literally.

What became a tag team of circumstance has now become one of the favourites in the tag team tournament, in both crowd reaction and in terms of chances. Newly-Christened ‘Boisterous Behaviour’ defeating the teams of Guiding Light (Rob Drake & Lana Austin) and Big Lou Nixon & Connor Renshaw.

Rob Drake continuing to improve and Lana Austin showing that she is a premiere talent with a huge powerbomb onto Big Lou Nixon (a sufferer of more than a few big moves in this match).

The stars of this tag team show athleticism that will take them incredibly far in their careers. Although it isn’t surprising, MLD is now a tag-team champion in Progress and Leon Slater is a star on the rise. H

ighlights include a top rope neckbreaker/powerbomb combo, and a huge 3D to secure the win. I’ve said this before during these articles but this is a match you really have to subscribe to the Patreon and see to believe.

Rory Coyle vs Liam Slater

You don’t need a fan to be typing this up, you need a goddamn poet. A story six years in the making, featuring the Devil of NORTH and the resurrection of the Lazarus Kid.

A return to the ring only to be met with a pandemic within six weeks of Liam’s return. A re-start only to be reminded who the Last True Sickboy undoubtedly is. A nine month goading from Coyle to “be the fucking Liam Slater I need you to be”. With Coyle and Slater finally clashing, this match was going to be ugly and beautiful at the same time.

Rory Coyle has always known who he was, it was NORTH that didn’t. Much like the Scorpion & the Frog, when that sting came in to hit the hearts of the NORTH Faithful all the way back in August, it was really our own faults that we were hurt, it’s just in his nature.

Liam Slater, on the other hand, has been struggling with his identity for the entirety of his return to wrestling, coming out in various gear, and to various music, across various promotions. But tonight, the message was clear, he knew who he was. He was Liam Slater.

Finally meeting the gaze of his long time rival, putting the canes on the apron, daring Liam to use them, Liam looks at them wondering how far he’ll have to go to put Coyle away tonight as the sun set on the North East of England.

Rory smiling as the ‘Fuck him up’ chants ring out. He knows he’s already won, the crowd don’t want Liam to win, the crowd want Liam to HURT him, and the match begins, with duelling chants heavily on the side of Slater.

Coyle knowing he’s already several points up in the mental war of attrition. Goading Liam into a test of strength. A classic WRESTLING opener. Liam stands their stoic, and he’s not here to wrestle!

He opens with a big boot! Followed immediately with a huge corner dropkick to keep his nemesis under control. He goes to the bag of tricks that Coyle brought to the ring, pulling out the Hurley bat that was been within his hands several times over the past few months but never swung in anger by Slater, and again he hesitates, allowing Rory to capitalise with a low blow to take an early advantage.

Liam fights back to incapacitate Coyle, but hesitates again when picking up the Kendo stick. Rory, who doesn’t need a second invitation, swings wildly at Slater to turn the tide in his favour again.

The fight moves to the outside, where Liam flies over the top rope with a somersault displaying the athleticism of his earlier career. This is a Liam Slater who will call back to the first few days of NORTH to re-right the course that Coyle had set it down.

Through hesistation again Coyle regains the advantage, savagely beating Liam and drawing blood when using the barbed wire bat. He drapes his opponent over the ropes for the main bulk of the NORTH crowd to get a look. Their hero is human, just as he always has been.

Slater is then Duct-Taped to the ropes on the outside, and Coyle beats Slater mercilessly with the jumper cables that have saved him on more than one occasion. Liam at this point is wearing the crimson mask and his anguish is there for all to see. But the defiant Slater almost begs Rory to keep hitting him.

This match was not for the faint of heart.

The blood loss an issue as Liam struggles to suplex Rory as he tries to gain advantage, a back body drop by Coyle leading into a bossman slam by the defending NORTH Champion. Rory hits the ‘Dip in the Lake’ to try and put Liam away, his ‘Air Raid Crash’ style manoeuvre only drawing a two count from John Myers

Not satisfied, Rory goes under the apron and pulls out a box of video tapes. like a kid on Christmas he scatters these foreign objects all over the ring, as Slater tries to fight back it’s clear Coyle has the advantage, and the dirty tricks the Devil of NORTH is willing to pull out adds the extra challenge that Liam has struggled to overcome - Biting Slater to avoid being suplexed out of the ring onto the benchs, and getting that arsehole Shreddy involved when he needed the additional help.

Liam fighting the Jacked Stacked Daddy and the Son of Ulaid to avoid being superplexed onto the tapes, reversing it into a Powerbomb of his own before locking in the half leg crab. A move he has used to put away some excellent wrestlers in the past.

But who was there? Shreddy. Providing a call back to the equipment used to rob Liam of his title back in August, only this time the one being struck with the VHS player wasn’t Jumping John Myers, it was Slater himself.

Rory takes advantage of the prone Liam with a DDT onto a video player. Jake the Snake was once asked what ‘DDT’ stood for, he simply replied ‘the end’. And it’s hard to disagree at this point. Slater unmoving as the crowd begin to realise this story seemingly doesn’t have a happy ending.

A story that still isn’t over, at least not without a bookend bringing this blood-soaked tale to its conclusion, Coyle wants it to finish how it started. He doesn’t pin him, he wants to do it again. A sadistic callback to when NORTH ‘rewound the tape’ at Everything Is Back Where It Belongs where the second DDT was hit onto the video player sealed his title win.

With Liams bloodied body lying unconscious on the canvas as the three count came down. Coyle strikes again as the crowd are silent at this point, it’s a formality, a beautiful story woven by Coyle and Slater about how the the realest horror movies are the ones where the villain stands tall at the end.

So you can imagine the noise as the Anarchy Brewery erupts as Liam flies to his feet before Coyle can even secure his shoulders to the mat! Not a three count, not even a one count!

The Devil of NORTH scarcely believing that the resurrection of the Lazarus Kid has ultimately been at his own hands, Slaters bloody body rebounding off the ropes fuelled by adrenaline and the indomitable will of a champion.

Slater fights like a man possessed, hitting a piledriver on the videoplayer, it’s game over, he’s done it? No. That jacked stacked bastard who has had his fingerprints over the show whether we like it or not, Shreddy, pulls referee John Myers just as the final count is made. Was it two? Was it three? Whatever it is, it’s Anarchy in the Brewery.

Liam’s music is playing in celebration but the referee is calling it a two count. Kroos chases off Shreddy while Andrew Bowers is spotted in the crowd trying to get some semblance of order in the middle of a crowd drunk on hope, desperation, and 7% IPA’s

In the midst of the chaos, the barbed wire Hurley bat has found its way back into the middle of the ring. With Coyle in one corner and Slater in the other. Coyle unflinching as Slater goes to pick up the bat, is it acceptance? Is it hubris? - knowing Liam has lacked the conviction to ‘Use the fucking bat, and be the Liam Slater I need you to be’. Two men in the middle of the ring. It ends as it started.

And Rory wants it. He wants to be struck down, goading Liam into finally hitting him after all this time. Liam finally, with 6 years worth of pent up rage, obliged him.

Practically bending the barbed wire hurling stick against Coyles smiling face, Slater using his newly acquired conviction to place the barbed wire into the flesh of Coyles calf and hamstring, with a weaponised version of his trademark single leg crab.

The brewery erupting into elation as Coyle gets his commupance, tap tap tapping his reign as NORTH champion to an end.

But for one final time, once the noise has subsided, once Liam has had his hand raised, and once I’d stopped hugging anyone within arms reach, Coyle has one more trick up his sleeve.

He asks Liam if he thinks he deserves that title; the title that Rory has denigrated, defiled, and destroyed over the last 9 months. He tells him, you’re not worthy of THIS title, and to check his bag, because Rory Fucking Coyle has one more surprise for him.

There, surrounded by the items designed to harm and to maim, was the new NORTH Championship. On a Black Leather strap sits a sterling silver polar bear with its third eye wide open. It sees Liam for who he truly is.

As the journey of Liams self discovery seemingly reaches its end, he finally sees himself for the person we all saw he was from the beginning. We knew it then and he knows it now. He is Liam Slater.

He is our NORTH champion.

REVIEW: NORTH 3.1 - We Truly Mean All The Disrespect

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