REVIEW: Riot Cabaret - Jingle Bell Brawl

Riot Cabaret: Jingle Bell Brawl
Clapham Grand, London
Tuesday, December 19, 2023
Reviewer: Jamie Walker (@walker_this_way)

It’s Christmas time, the perfect time for staff parties, and what better party (whether it’s with the office or not) than a Tuesday night at the Clapham Grand for Riot Cabaret. The sold out show, an incredible feat so close to Christmas, caps off what’s been a brilliant year for the rising London promotion.

With Xmas songs belting out on the speakers before the start of the show it certainly had a festive feel. James Lawrence kicked off proceedings and after some lovely banter with the crowd introduced the first match…

Safire vs Allie Katch

For Allie Katch to choose to spend Christmas with us fine folk in London was a lovely treat. The crowd really seemed to take to her, but unfortunately she was up against firm favourite Safire Reed (she’s the South East’s number one yknow).

This was a solid opener, with Allie giving Safire something new to work against character wise. The local lass didn’t hold back and neither did Allie with some heavy exchanges early on.

But it was Safire who’d pick up the win with a running knee out of nowhere to start the show off very well.

Zander and Nino Bryant vs TK Cooper and Connor Mills

Tag team action up next as Connor Mills stepped in to replace Chuck Mambo against the youngsters of Nino and Zander.

This, as expected, was a belting contest. Fast paced and frantic with both teams pulling out some insane manuevers.

It’s clear TK and Mills weren’t on the same page, there was plenty of miscommunication between them which allowed Nino and Zander to capitalise at certain points.

Nino has really progressed a lot and it was a lot of fun seeing he and Zander team up, having previously only seen them in singles competition.

But despite the miscommunications it was TK and Mills who picked up the win, as Mills used the ropes as support for the pin.

Despite getting the win TK wasn’t too happy about the way Mills got it. He confronted Connor about it post match and apologised to the Bryants on his way out the ring.

This was probably the best overall contest of the night, but there was far more to come.

The Holly Jolly Rumble (Brendan White vs Bullit vs Joe Blazr vs Matthew Brooks vs Murdoch vs Tom Scarborough vs Harrison Leon vs Jay Joshua vs Tommy Kyle)

Now I’ll be honest I find it hard to keep track of rumbles, and I did forget to take notes, so this is going to be a little condensed.

Brendan and Bullit started the rumble. Before the match itself James Lawrence came out and explained how the winner would get a Christmas wish as their prize (remember that, it’ll come in handy later).

He also kindly shared our clip form an interview we did with Brendan White where he expressed his desire to team with Mr Blobby. Brendan is Mr Blobby’s biggest fan, genuinely like from childhood, and wanted to be his tag partner later in the night. This was his chance!

He and Bullit started off in the hard hitting manner you’d expect before the likes of Murdoch, Joe Blazr, Tommy Kyle and a very surprised Tom Scarborough entered.

Tom, clearly more used to reffing than in ring action, decided it was a good idea to square up to Bullit…spoiler, it wasn’t. Bullit tossed he aside with relative ease, the first elimination.

Jay Joshua added even more beef to proceedings, it really was a very meaty ring at this point. And Harrison Leon entered too before Matthew Brooks stole the show.

He came out singing his own cover of Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, with amended lyrics to suit the occasion. Promising that all he wanted for Christmas was to be more over with the crowd.

And he would get his wish! The crowd were not happy as Bullit eliminated Brendan, crushing his dreams of tagging with Mr Blobby. But they were at least happy when Brooks eliminated Bullit and won the rumble and the Christmas Wish (but more on that later).

This was a fun little match but I’ll be honest, I’d have liked a little more Christmas theming throughout considering the name.

Nina Samuels w/ Cassius vs Harley Hudson - Riot Cabaret Women’s Championship

Now we all know that VAR is the bane of football at the moment, but not many of us would’ve dreamed that it would sneak its way into wrestling. But Nina has cheated so much that Riot Cabaret saw no other choice than to bring it in for this title match.

Much like football the VAR would intervene if any cheating or wrong called were made. And if Nina was disqualified she would lose the title.

This match had been a year and a half in the making. Nina beat Harley to win the title last august and has held it ever since. Her reign has been incredibly impressive but Harley was determined to put it to an end.

The match started off as you’d expect for this feud, hard hitting and more than a little sneaky behaviour - but not enough for VAR to intervene.

That first time would come not far in thought as Nina used the ropes to score a pin fall. The bell rang, Nina thought she’d retained but VAR had other ideas and shows Nina’s feet on the ropes. The match continues…

Then it was Harley’s turn, after a barrage of offensive moves she had Nina down for the pin. Tom counted to three. AND NEWWWWW

But wait….

VAR was intervening again, this time in a manner that football fans will associate with the offside lines being drawn. Nina’s hand was shown to be marginally under the ropes. Harley was not the new champ and the match rumbled on.

The match continued for a third time and Nina, desperate for the win was trying all she could. At one point, with Cassius distracting the ref, she thought of using the title to knock Harley out; but remembered VAR and thought better off it.

Harley took advantage of Nina’s second guessing and looked to have the match won, only for Nina to kick out at the last second.

And that’s where Harley’s challenge would end. Nina would pick up the win, no VAR checks needed, and continue her reign.

After the match Harley got on the mic and expressed her love for a rTot Cabaret. She’ll be off to TNA soon and it sounds like we may not see her for a while.

Thank you Harley!

Now during most wrestling intervals the queues are normally for fans wants pics or merch from wrestlers.

Tonight the line of people was huge, but it was for special photo ops for people who wanted a Santa’s Grotto pic with Mr Blobby. No word of a lie at one point it stretched round half the bottom tier of the venue.

Spike Trivet w/Murdoch vs Danny Jones

The implosion of the Greedy Vultures has been glorious to watch, as Spike loses the group that had made him such a force at Riot Cabaret.

This match saw him take on one half of the Greedy Souls and one of his former allies. But there was clearly no more love between the pair as Spike attacked Danny before the bell even rang.

On the outside Murdoch was trying to keep the peace and calm Spike, imploring him to let bygones be bygones by the Tory Wanker was having none of it.

He continued to block Danny off at every turn, and even when Danny did get some strong offence in the classic sly tactics of Spike came back.

He would win the match by choking Danny out and confined the beatdown after the bell had rung.

He then told Murdoch to attack Danny with a chair, but a hesitation from Spike’s only remaining ally was enough time for Brendan White to appear and try to calm Spike.

It wouldn’t work, with Spike continuing to tell Murdoch to attack both Danny and Brendan, telling him ‘you do what I tell you’.

This was the last straw. Murdoch threw down the chair and hit Spike with a low blow. He then got his magic remote out and played Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Killing In The Name” with the entire Clapham Grand singing “fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me”.

The trio attacked Spike until he fled and stood tall in the ring celebrating.

Michael Oku vs Nico Angelo - Riot Cabaret Men’s Championship

Along with the earlier tag match, this was the contest I was most looking forward to going into the evening and it did not disappoint.

These two went to war over the space of 15 minutes. Evenly matched throughout and with some of the stiffest chops and kicks I’ve seen in a long time, both men went hell for leather in their pursuit of the title.

Nico was the more aggressive of the two, while Oku was methodically working the left leg of a Nico to line him up for the signature half crab.

When the half crab came however Nico managed to reach the ropes and looked to have the match won a couple of times.

The end of the contest saw Nico looking to finish Oku off, before Oku reversed the move with something I’m not sure I’ve ever seen or would be able to name, I implore you to search this match after to watch it.

I’m not gonna lie the way Nico landed was a little scary and as the medics checked on him after the match the crowd waited, just hoping he would make it out the ring.

He did, with some assistance up the steps and looked to be okay. Phew.

Oku retains his title and has a barn storming match in the process. Not a bad night.

Mr Blobby and ?? vs Charles Crowley and Session Moth Martina - Riot Cabaret Tag Team Championship

Mr Blobby heads to the ring first, awaiting his mystery tag partner.

But he’s interrupted by James Ellis and Tate Mayfairs (boo). They set their sights on Blobby and threaten to take him out so they can have the tag title match themselves.

But the Party Hard hits and the Grand erupts as Eddie Dennis comes out and says he will be Blobby’s mystery partner. He adds that they’re more than happy to take on Mayfairs and Ellis before going on to face Crowley and Martina.

Mr Blobby and Eddie Dennis vs Tate Mayfairs and James Ellis

This match was short and sweet but definitely had some highlights.

The first being the pop that was received as James introduced Brendan White as the special guest referee. He was overjoyed and so excited coming to the ring, he gave Blobby a huge hug before proceedings started. Chuffed for that man!

The next highlight came when Blobby got tagged in by Eddie and started laying out Tate and Ellis.

And the final came at the close of the contest. Brendan was being distracted by Ellis, Tate used his brass knuckles to knock Blobby out. But unfortunately Blobby fell straight on top of Tate, pinning him.

Mr Blobby and Eddie Dennis vs Session Moth Martina and Charles Crowley - Riot Cabaret Tag Team Championship

With Blobby prone in the ring, Crowley rushes to the ring, eager to get the match started and pin Blobby early. But he has something holding him back, Moth. Martina is in no rush to get the match started, instead doing her usual partying to the ring and having fun with the crowd.

Crowley eventually manages to drag her into the ring and get the match started, but there would be no quick pinfall…

BLOBBY SITS UP!!

Just like the Undertaker, Blobby rises from the dead and Crowley is stunned.

The match begins and the two teams are going at it full throttle. Eddie takes the brunt of the beating from Crowley and Moth and is in real trouble until he manages to get a hot tag to Blobby comes out and clears them out.

But something is up with Blobby, he’s acting like a real heel. He goes under the ring and tries to get a chair, Eddie stops him from using it but he keeps going back to it throughout the match.

But Eddie can’t stop him, Blobby is on a rampage, he clears out not only Crowley and Moth with the chair but also Eddie. He’s turned full heel and the crowd can’t believe it.

But just then, to the rescue comes rumble winner Matthew Brooks. He comes to the ring and uses his Christmas Wish to turn Blobby back to the light. It is a noble act for Brooks to give up his wish for such a good cause.

The drama isn’t over however, out comes Spike Trivet, he grabs the chair and tries to attack the group in the ring, but he gets taken out quickly. Blobby then asks for A TABLE! It’s set up in the corner and, at the second time of asking, puts Spike through it as the crowd goes wild.

‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ by Slade plays and we have a fun singsong to end what’s been a brilliant show. A great way to end the year with a lively atmosphere.

Riot Cabaret have been one of the highlights of 2023, their shows always bring fun and something a little different. If you’re looking for a new promotion to go to in 2024 I’d highly suggest Riot.

REVIEW: Riot Cabaret - Jingle Bell Brawl

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